I’ve been hesitating to share this with others but as I keep discovering more of my journey I feel this “secret” is holding me back from being more open. I’m still not ready to reveal all the details but this is what I’d like to share with you. I know that many will discard this as crazy (which is ok) but those who have been close to a fragment of this feeling, this consciousness, will probably resonate with what I’m saying.
Late 2018 I had a profoundly spiritual awakening (don’t know what else to call it, it all sounds corny and pretentious). It was very much like a Near Death Experience and when I came back a veil I didn’t even know existed had been removed. Life now is a bit like being a character in one of Haruki Murakami’s novels. Discovering that you live in a world with two moons. They had always there, I just wasn’t ready to see.
A hardcore atheist I saw myself one day standing in front of a pure loving consciousness. I discovered God, Ātman, Allah, Mother Divinity or whatever you want to call the Universe.
There was nothing to do than to surrender.
I’m still me and very much caught up in my own drama but I see the world through different lenses.
I saw that we all were One. We are all part of the same consciousness and there’s really no me or you, just the ego separating us in believing so. And I realized how perfect the law behind it all is- regardless if we value it as good or bad. How my actions leave traces, sometimes as scars; sometimes a smile on others and sometimes as a faint memory. As individuals we create motions which inevitably will affect others.
Nobody deserves suffering. But we continue to cause pain with our egos, and it carries on for generations. Some actions, like the ones of a politician, have an effect on an immediate macro level. Many, like you and me, affect others with our everyday micro life action. It’s hard to blame others when I know the suffering I’ve caused when acting from my ego. Especially during this time of Corona. Can we really continue to be so oblivious of our actions? And when we blame others, isn’t it just to feel better with ourselves?
Who we are
I think that we will continue the same lifestyle after Corona because really not many of us are interested in truly giving up our ego. For sure I included. Who we think we are is often based on our surroundings and past experience.
To survive as a child I had to make strategies to hold on a bit longer. I had a childhood perfectly tailored to create my current neuroses and insecurities. After all these years the garment still fits and even adjusts to my body as I grow, like a second skin I can’t shed. Although it feels custom-made I’m sure we all wear the same Prêt à Porter factory made clothing. It looks good on the outside but is terribly uncomfortable and suffocating.
Because I was made to think that I wasn’t enough as I am, I always carry this fear that people will abandon me once they see my true face hence the layers of masks I wear. I learnt how to close my heart. Being loved by me was always conditional. And I mistook attachment for love. I need you and things because they define me. On the outside I’m an ok good looking black girl with piercings and a cool fashion style who lives in a hipster neighborhood and had an African art café and now is enrolled in a top education and blablabla. And these are forms I and others use to validate me with. But who am I without all this? Who are you without your forms and attachments?
We’ve created a society in which the individual only can exist if she is superior to others. Personally I may not have been part of building these structures but I am surely upholding it. We now have a pandemic that scares the shit out of most of us but what humanity are we actually clinging on to?
Personally, I find my humanity when I’m in a state of unconditional love. There I don’t hit on myself for not being enough, not achieving as well as others. I see my “imperfections” and how they are a part of me. Who I think I am constantly changes when the ego is challenged. Every confrontation on the ego shows me how attached I am to the form. By letting go I learn that I don’t have to exist in a certain form to be loved. I am enough. And the love I feel for myself allows me to love others more (not fully though, still not there). And I can have more compassion and see how we’re all in the same boat rowing in different directions because we’re afraid of dying. We all have our journeys.
Despite moments of serenity I have to admit that everyday life still remains a struggle. I find myself caught in my ego when I think I’m as holiest and pure (like now when typing this) and I have to look at my actions, laugh and surrender. And surrender is something new for me. I always thought it was the weak who surrendered but I find such a calm in my mind when I surrender to the Universe. Not of fear for punishment. But surrender in a respectful bow. To surrender to the fact that I am not the center of everything. Because when you have experienced deep unconditional love from a being that loves you regardless of anything, and I mean ANYTHING, you understand that there’s no need to be a somebody to be worthy of that grace. You also see that that nothing really matters if love doesn’t. And real love is never conditional.
I think that our healing lays in love. What do you think? Please let me know if you recognize anything of what I’m saying. Would love to hear about your healing process.